A Year

A week from tomorrow will mark a year since Zach and I had our divorce finalized.  This week, he and his fiance will get married & are going to be having a baby.  Shouldnt bother me right?  I mean, I ended up pregnant 4 months after he asked for a divorce.  I am living with Robert, but there is no ring on this finger.  Her and I are "friends" on fb.  It is kinda blah to be honest.  He seems so much more excited, enthusiastic and more happy with her having his baby then he ever was with me.  Rub my belly?  HA!  As if!  He always had better things to do.  After all, I was just pregnant.  No complaining allowed early on because I wasnt "that pregnant".  Dont get me wrong, he was supportive, and caring.  But I dont ever remember him saying me being pregnant was sexy or that he loved my belly.  Except with Eden.  He talked to her.  He never let himself get excited it seemed.  Always cautiously optimistic.  This time he seems so different.  I am terrified that he and her will treat the girls differently because of the baby.  Maybe I am simply being paranoid. 

But still remains the fact...they are getting married the same week we were divorced.  Kinda a slap to the face to burry the knife a little deeper.  Who knows.  Maybe Ill remarry with Robert someday.

Until then, I dont know.  For know Im in a cranky way, i need sleep.

My my my

Short and sweet, Im going to start blogging again.  I need a way to remember and vent, and writing hurts my friggin hands :(  so yep...it shall start

Changes Are In Store

Tomorrow my girls come home from their Spring Break vacation with their daddy and Tia. They went to Florida to visit Zach's family and have been gone 12 days. Such a long time it seems! Certainly the longest I've gone without seeing those little girls. I'm so excited to see them, scoop them up, snuggle, cuddle and shower them with love. I will be quite anxious to leave work at 6 tomorrow evening and go get them. They're changing every day! Toni told me this morning she lost another tooth! The second in less than 2 months. Where did my baby go? Oh that's right, she will be 6 in July, Eden will be 8 in October and Brooke will be 3 in November. And before all of this, we will be welcoming a baby boy into the mix. Timothy David Henderson is due May 20th, however we're fairly certain he will be on the early side of his due date. I've been dating Robert for about 4 months now. So here soon we'll have our son snuggled up in our arms with three big sisters to spoil him to pieces, and a cat, Zeus, to harrass him. A year ago I didn't see myself here where I am. But I'm here and I'm going to make the best of it anyway I can. I've got a great job, three gorgeous daughters who've gotten me through the worst days of my life, a son on the way, an apartment, a car, a cell phone, dental insurance, health insurance, and a 401K. And I've done it all entirely on my own. I've had some help along the way but any debt I owed to people is paid off as well. My house is clean, there's dinner on the table, food in the cabinets and fridge, clean clothes for the girls to wear. I've done it on my own. Everything I have, everything I've accumulated and that fills my house, I, ME, I have worked for, I have paid for. I haven't depended on anyone. Nina loaned me some money to pay my down payment for my car, but that I paid back entirely. I have so much to be proud of for myself and what I've done to get me where I am now. In a year? Who knows what else can happen and where I will be or what I will be doing. What I do know is I have the love of a great man, the love of three amazing daughters who mean the world to me, and a son growing close to my heart. All giving meaning and purpose to my life each day. So here's to life, love and happiness.

Live, Laugh, Love

well ive logged in finally after 2 years to my blogg. i will be posting and blogging more now too since my family is growing and i want to remember these times. enjoy and love to everyone.

10 Years

"It has been 10 years of life, love and happiness the I wouldn't have shared with another, Love Forever, Zachary"

Those are the words written on the card attatched to the rose and lily bouquet that was delivered to my door this morning. I can scarcly belive that Zach and I have spent 10 years of our lives together. And it all started in the living room of Amy's house in Kneeland for Emily's 15th surprise birthday party.

I was dancing in the living room, Emily, Jessie, Amy, Dayl, Jeff, Zach, Adrian, Amy's sister Sarah, Dayl's sister Cara, and other's I can't remember, we were all there. I walked outside with my girlfriends, there was Zach sitting on the grass with his friends. We walked over to them, Zach poked my belly and said "Ooo squishy" Ironic because I was a size 3 and itty bitty. But it got us talking later on that night. We passed eachother a little later back in the living room, he pauses and says "You know you shouldn't wear so much make up." Little ole me ran into the bathroom and washed my make up off right away. Dayl and I were sitting on the bar stools in Amy's dining room talking. Up walks Zach and Adrian (who would later be a groom's man in our wedding) they sit across from us on the dining room chair. We got to talking and Dayl and I talked them into giving us foot massages. I still have that picture somewhere of our feet sitting in their laps, Zach and Adrian giving their "pimp" looks, chins up in the air, smug looks on their faces.

That night, after the party was over, Emily's mom gave Zach and I a ride home. along with some other kids. Zach and I sat in the back seat talking. When we got to his house, he shook my hand and said "It was really nice talking to you". Next was my turn to get dropped off. Emily walked me to my door and when she gave me a hug, I asked "Do you have Zach's phone number" She laughed and said "He asked for your number too, I gave it to him" Can we say giddy??!!! The next afternoon, Zach called "I really missed talking to you Stephanie. Do you want to go see a movie with me?" Uh, Duh, I thought, "Okay" I said. He and his dad pulled up in a dodge intrepid, and we saw "Never Been Kissed" We ate at Burger King, and sat on the Gottschalks couches for 4 hours talking, until my mom, dad and uncle came practically running through looking frantically for us.

Our second date, May 1, 1999, Zach took me to Sweet River Grill and Bar. He sat across from me, took my hands, held them in his, and said "Stephanie, would you do me the honor of being my girlfriend?" "I have to think about it, uh..yes!!!" The story went on from there.

Now here I sit, sitting at my computer, typing this story out while our 5 month old little girl lays sleeping in my lap and our 3 and 5 year old are sitting on the couch doing their pre school work books, wearing dress up clothes. We've shared the joys of being pregnant 6 times, and welcoming 3 of those blessings into our lives and hearts. We've mourned the loss of 3 Angel Babies that changed our lives so much in such a short period of time. The house is a mess, I have 5 loads, maybe 6 loads of laundry to fold and put away, another 10 that need to be washed and dried. The dishes need to be done, the floor needs to be swept. We both weight about 50 pounds more than we did when we got married. But none...NONE of it would either of us change, or manipulate, nothing would we have had happened differently. We grew up together, we started out as 15 year old teenagers, madly in puppy love, a love that blossomed from cute and silly, to a love so deep, so strong, a love to build the sweetest dreams on. Our dreams, they now rest in eachother's eyes, in the family we've created, in the promise of tomorrow, the miracle of today, and the memory of yesterday. Our dreams, they weren't what we had expected at 15 years old, oh no no no, they are so so much more amazing, so much more rewarding.

What will come in the next 10 years? More children, new homes, new schools? A deeper, more pure infatuation with one another? I can only pray and put my trust in God that the next 10 years will only lead to another 99 more.

I love you Zach, I love you so much! Thank you for our children, thank you for the life we've built together, thank you for all you are, and all you've helped me to become!

That Time Again

So...It's getting closer and closer to Zach deploying again...Yes he's leaving. Where to, when, for how long...You probably already know that I can't say. Not until it happens. Security reasons and all. But the point is that he is leaving. And I will be alone with three children under the age of 5...alone...Out numbered, playing mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunt and uncle.

God grant me serenity. To accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...Might I add too...The patience to raise my children with faith, love and happiness, patience to deal with unending whining, sleepless teething nights, tantrums and tears, heart ache and fears. And the ability to remember every detail to share with our hero.

Yes this is the life we chose together, this is the price we pay to have financial security, a roof over our heads, food on our table, medical coverage we can count on...at least count on if we get online at exactly midnight to make the appointments, Which by the way, makes for a cranky day the next day, not just for me, but everyone else. Especially if the website is not working, then I have to call at EXACTLY 7AM to sit on the phone for 20 minutes, only to be told that, sorry maam there aren't anymore appointments for today, you can call tomorrow morning, or we can give you a referral.

Oh exscuse me, I digress. What was I saying, oh yes...This is the price we pay, as a family, as a husband and wife, to have the security of knowing that he won't loose his job and we won't be out on the streets. Yes, Yes, this is the price we pay, but you know what? It doesn't mean I have to like it, to enjoy it, and it certainly does NOT mean that I have to sit here for X amount of months, smiling like an idiot and telling people when they ask me "How are you holding up" "OH, I am just fine, we are all fine, the kids are fine, Zach is fine" Damn...So not the answer I'd like to give. You know what I want to say? "No I'm not holding up just FINE! I'm tired, stressed, worn out, I've been up all night with a fussy baby, my 5 year old crys for her daddy, my 3 year old asks for him non stop, I wait up all night for his phone calls, then he doesn't call and I worry more. I stay awake all night doing laundry and exercizing because I can't sleep without him near me. Am I doing fine? No I am not...But you know what else? I'm damned proud of the job he does, I'm proud of the man he is, I'm proud of the family we've created. I look forward to the phone calls, the emails, and most of all the reunion."

Zach will be leaving soon. I'm scared to death, I'm terrified. Can I take care of all three girls, alone, no help? Yes I have my friends here, Kate, Sam, you guys are amazing and I know I can count on you to be there for me...But this is my game to play. I can't have someone constantly there to bail me out. Can I go for the next few months without loosing my temper? Getting frustrated day in and day out? Can I sit here at home, going about my daily life, while he is there, so far away from me? From our family our home? Can I take our daughter to kindergarten on the first day of school and not cry? Can I go to church each Sunday and not feel him standing by me, with his arm around me? Passing the baby back and forth? Can I hear the phone ring and not feel my heart race with excitement only to be let down for the 3rd day in a row? YES I CAN!!! Oh it will be hard, it won't be fun..BUT I've done it twice and I can certainly do it again. This time will be different, that's for sure, but I can do it :) I've got a man that loves me, that does what he must to take care of us. The least I can do is take care of his family and keep the home fires burning for when he returns.

Easter, Family and Furr Babies

We all had a wonderful Easter this year. I went out and bought 250 plastic eggs, a bunch of candy and 10 dollars in quarters, Kate, Sam, and I stuffed all the eggs one night when all the little ones had gone to bed. It rained all day Easter, quite a bit, so our outdoor egg hunt was cancelled. Sam and Kate and the great idea of each of us taking a bag full of eggs and going to our houses and hiding the eggs in the front rooms. Since we all live like 2 houses away from eachother, a little rain didn't hurt us. The kids all had so much fun, and are still packing away the candy.

We have a big weekend this weekend! Grandma Nina, Grandpa Wayne, Abbie and Julie (our nieces) are flying in from Florida to visit for a week!!! We haven't seen Abbie and Julie since November 2007 when Julie was 4 weeks old! Today is a cleaning day as I have to get the girls' bedroom and playroom spotless...Their new bunkbeds are being delivered tomorrow between 11-1pm. It's about time we got Toni her own bed too. Since we moved here, they've been sleeping in a twin bed together. Then it's onto the rest of the house, clean the bathrooms, our bedroom, the nursery, then Zach is doing the yard and the basement...Which reminds me, I still have so much laundry to do.

Onto other news...The furr babies eyes (all but 1) have opened and boy are they cuties!! I have been weighing them and holding each one for a few minutes a day to get them used to me and as of this week I've started letting friends hold them. I want them to be well socialized so that they will be great family additions. We are keeping one, but we are letting daddy pick out the kitty we keep. Hercules picked us, I picked Tula, and now it's Daddy's turn. He's such a big softy. He'll be deploying soon and told me one night that we could pick a kitten to keep. He wants the girls to have something to do, as if the dog and 2 cats we have now aren't enough :) We all love animals so it's really not a big deal.