That Time Again

So...It's getting closer and closer to Zach deploying again...Yes he's leaving. Where to, when, for how long...You probably already know that I can't say. Not until it happens. Security reasons and all. But the point is that he is leaving. And I will be alone with three children under the age of 5...alone...Out numbered, playing mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunt and uncle.

God grant me serenity. To accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...Might I add too...The patience to raise my children with faith, love and happiness, patience to deal with unending whining, sleepless teething nights, tantrums and tears, heart ache and fears. And the ability to remember every detail to share with our hero.

Yes this is the life we chose together, this is the price we pay to have financial security, a roof over our heads, food on our table, medical coverage we can count on...at least count on if we get online at exactly midnight to make the appointments, Which by the way, makes for a cranky day the next day, not just for me, but everyone else. Especially if the website is not working, then I have to call at EXACTLY 7AM to sit on the phone for 20 minutes, only to be told that, sorry maam there aren't anymore appointments for today, you can call tomorrow morning, or we can give you a referral.

Oh exscuse me, I digress. What was I saying, oh yes...This is the price we pay, as a family, as a husband and wife, to have the security of knowing that he won't loose his job and we won't be out on the streets. Yes, Yes, this is the price we pay, but you know what? It doesn't mean I have to like it, to enjoy it, and it certainly does NOT mean that I have to sit here for X amount of months, smiling like an idiot and telling people when they ask me "How are you holding up" "OH, I am just fine, we are all fine, the kids are fine, Zach is fine" Damn...So not the answer I'd like to give. You know what I want to say? "No I'm not holding up just FINE! I'm tired, stressed, worn out, I've been up all night with a fussy baby, my 5 year old crys for her daddy, my 3 year old asks for him non stop, I wait up all night for his phone calls, then he doesn't call and I worry more. I stay awake all night doing laundry and exercizing because I can't sleep without him near me. Am I doing fine? No I am not...But you know what else? I'm damned proud of the job he does, I'm proud of the man he is, I'm proud of the family we've created. I look forward to the phone calls, the emails, and most of all the reunion."

Zach will be leaving soon. I'm scared to death, I'm terrified. Can I take care of all three girls, alone, no help? Yes I have my friends here, Kate, Sam, you guys are amazing and I know I can count on you to be there for me...But this is my game to play. I can't have someone constantly there to bail me out. Can I go for the next few months without loosing my temper? Getting frustrated day in and day out? Can I sit here at home, going about my daily life, while he is there, so far away from me? From our family our home? Can I take our daughter to kindergarten on the first day of school and not cry? Can I go to church each Sunday and not feel him standing by me, with his arm around me? Passing the baby back and forth? Can I hear the phone ring and not feel my heart race with excitement only to be let down for the 3rd day in a row? YES I CAN!!! Oh it will be hard, it won't be fun..BUT I've done it twice and I can certainly do it again. This time will be different, that's for sure, but I can do it :) I've got a man that loves me, that does what he must to take care of us. The least I can do is take care of his family and keep the home fires burning for when he returns.